I’m single, i’m happy, and i’m ready to move on!

I don’t know what it is, but there’s suddenly a change in me. As is well publicized (on here, haha), I made a 30 day plan to get her to speak to me. After the 30 days were over, I sent her one e-mail that got everything I was feeling off my chest, followed by one phone call, and one text message.

When I received no response, it was pretty easy for me to say “hey, it’s over. there’s plenty of fish in the see.” Do I think about her still? sometimes sure, it’s impossible to just forget someone you’ve loved. but do i wish we were together? no not at all. She was bad for me in every way imaginable and whats worse was that she didn’t even like me.

I’m ready to hit the market again. I will find the right girl for me and she was all wrong! I’m doing better! Today is a brighter day!

Officially: I give up…

Three words that rarely to never enter my vocabulary.. but in this case, it’s absolutely necessary. I gave this girl a piece of my heart, and got nothing in return.. I did everything I could to maintain our relationship, but she didn’t want it, because essentially, she didn’t want me. She enjoyed having me as a friend, but once she knew that I wanted more out of the relationship, she changed, and that much was evident.

I devoted all of my time and all of my heart to this girl, and for what? To be sitting here 2 months after she ended things still heartbroken and still stressing as to why she will not speak to me. It’s not worth it to put myself through it. SHE is not worth it. Why spend all that time caring about someone when the feeling isn’t and never was mutual.

So officially, right here and now, i’m accepting that it’s over and moving on. No explanation needed.. no 30 day plan, no phone calls, no messages, no nothing. I’m done, and quite frankly, it’s about time.

Day 31: I sent her a message.

So here’s what i’m going to do.. I will wait for a response for another 30 days, and if I don’t get one, the next time I contact her will be on her Birthday.

Day 1 begins now.

30 days: I DID IT!!!

30 days without contacting her, not even once. i’m a strong willed individual in regards to most things, but not with this. I’m not even gonna lie,  that was one of the toughest things i have ever experienced. Tougher than ANYTHING i’ve had to deal with before…. and i’ve dealt with a lot of things.

So now comes the exciting yet terrifying question: What next?

As of right now, i’ve cooled off. I’m not heated at her like I was before. But at the same time, this situation is like poker to me. I feel like even though I managed to keep myself away for 30 days, and clear my head, I would still feel hurt all over again if I attempted to contact her and she sustained the silent treatment.

So here I am, hopefully better than I was before. And I really want her back in my life, even if just as a friend. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep her from throwing away our great friendship because during those times when I do feel like there is a God,  I feel that he put us on this earth for one another and I really can’t imagine living the rest of my life without her.

Day 24: still hurting

Wow, as I wrote the number 24 just now, I couldn’t believe it. TWENTY FOUR… that means to me that I have not contacted her for now 3 and a half weeks. Six days from now my 30 day plan will be complete. But what does that really mean?  On day  30 (this Saturday)  I don’t know what i’m gonna do. Will I contact her? I don’t know. The absence had made me scared.  Scared that after  all this time, being about 15-20%  healed, if i sent her a heart felt e-mail or called her without a response, I might be right back to square one.

As of right now, I think about her a lot less. It may be that i’ll think about her only 15-20 minutes in a day vs. 24-7 before. The problem is that I still think about her daily, whether it’s for 5 minutes or 5 hours. Because she never told me to fuck off, I don’t feel closure.

At school here I had some girls that I would consider friends, but no close friends. And having her in my life made me feel good, made me feel special. It made me feel wanted. I had someone there who I wanted, someone who made me feel good about myself, someone who I cared deeply about. It’s hard to just turn those feelings off. If right now today she called me up and told me she wanted to talk things over, i’d come running.

I still miss her just as much as I did when this first happened. It’s one of those things where even though I don’t directly feel as bad as I did at that time, it still hurts deep down inside. I have moments of not thinking about it at all, but it’s in my heart always. So when my 30 plan is complete, I will decide what to do next… but as of right now, I have no clue.

Day 18: I miss her terribly…

Right now I feel like crying. I’ve been holding my head up high and pushing back the thoughts of her for the past couple of weeks, and to a certain extent it’s been working. But then everytime I think about love or relationships, she’s the first person that pops into my head. I want her back so badly. I just want to hear her voice, to talk to her, to ask her how she’s doing, to get inside that weird little mind of hers, to listen to her problems, to comfort her, etc etc… i just miss her and I don’t know how to move on…….

The type of dream you don’t want to get up from…

After my classes today I took a nap as usual. So when I went to sleep I started to have this weird dream about this girl from my former highschool. I never had any type of “romantic” interest in her but I was definitely physically attracted to her.

So pretty much the short version of the dream. I went back to visit my old city with my dad, and I happened to run into her there. She gave me a hug and appeared to be really happy to see me. So we were walking around town and we went to her house, the whole time with my arm around her and my face in her chest. So, after we left her house, she suggested that we go see a movie. I told her i’d be back in a few minutes and told her to wait for me. So I ran back to take a shower and to a few other things and then I got delayed. Before I could get back to her, I WOKE UP. The dream was getting so damn good and it felt so real! But yet again I wake up before the best part happens.

I tried to go back to sleep and just think about where I was before, but recreating a dream never actually seems to work. I HATE waking up from good dreams… it just absolutely sucks. I suppose having a girl would solve those problems though.

Life’s trials

I was recently thinking about a lot of things, such as my financial situation, and what i’ve concluded is that it takes a certain amount of adversity before you triumph at anything. I mean, there are always the luck ones that avoid difficulties in certain situations, but in general, you must fail before you can succeed.

People who are entrepreneurs for example, the majority don’t just dive right in and are an instant success. Nor do they just read up on how someone else did it and therefore avoid all mistakes. Life is all about trial and error. And, I now believe that every trial we encounter and every difficult situation that we face is there for a reason. No matter what it is, or how bad it is, we can reflect on it, learn from it, and move on to become a better person and avoid the same mistakes in the future.

If and when we succeed, the rocky path will make the end of the trail that much sweeter. There’s a saying that I can’t remember, but to paraphrase: If there were no cloudy days, we wouldn’t appreciate the sun, and I think that very much reins true. Personally, I’ve been through some of the darkest days of my life over the past year or so, and when I look back at those times, I now feel stronger, and wiser. I feel that I was tested, and even though I just barely made it, that which does not kill you can only make you stronger.

Stay strong, and always remember that no cloudy day lasts forever~! 

Having a weak immune system sucks.

and why do I have a weak immune system? because my tonsils got removed. ever since then I’ve been getting sick frequently. This is crazy ass shit. I was just sick about 2-3 weeks ago.. It knocked me out and took me a full couple of weeks to recover. I feel ok for a few days and now low and behold, I’M SICK AGAIN!

I’ve heard that the flu only hits once every flu season, but twice in the span of less than a month?? ridiculous! So pretty much a shitty sickness to go along with already being depressed and lonely because of my girl situation. Oh well. I’m a survivor right? I’ll get through this just like I get through everything else.

Love doesn’t exist.

Maybe im saying this simply because i’ve never REALLY been “in love” or maybe i’m right, who knows? Bottom line though is that when I think about people i’ve liked in the past, the attraction has been all about the potential of something physical happening. Even with this last girl who I was telling myself that I “loved,” what I really loved was the thought of holding her, making out with her, and maybe one day eventually having sex with her.

I see couples where the two people constantly bicker and fight but yet they still claim to be in love. But my question is, do they really love? or do they love the security of having someone in their bed at night, and being able to be physical with a person of the opposite sex. Personally, i’m sexually driven and that’s what really plays with my emotions. Sometimes the combination of feeling lonely and horny at the same times causes you to say and do irrational things to get what you want.

So bottom line for me is that I don’t believe in love and see it as more of a convenience. Humans are sexually drawn to one another and that horniness is what causes attraction, it has nothing to do with personality and all that other shit no matter how much anyone claims. Prove me wrong…